Josh Wants James to be Trendy, Too

Josh has become uber involved in this fixed gear trend happening all over the world. He's definitely going to influence James to be a hipster on a bike. Not that I mind, it's exercise for James. I don't want him to be fat or just sit in front of a computer (like me) and TV (like Josh) his whole life. Plus, James looks adorable in that hat.

Hang Out with the Fellas

Ate tortas for lunch.
Bought records on the cheap.
Had dessert at Square Rootz.
Listened to records.
Watched some of "2 Days In Paris."
James and I had Mexican (again) for dinner with my mom and aunt.
Played.
Got him to bed.

I'm really exhausted.

To Change Life You Must First Change Yourself

new beginnings...

Growing Up

James is starting to look like a little kid instead of a baby ... I'm not entirely thrilled with this, but I'm still excited to see him become "human." I can't wait for the day I make us french toast for breakfast, grilled cheese for lunch, and chicken for dinner. Little things like that - so silly.

I've realized lately that I've stopped trying to control every little thing in my life. I still feel like I'm losing grip, but I'm an O C D type A personality and I just need to let go in order to be a functioning happy person. So James is growing up and so am I. It's fun!

New Friend for James

We went to Yvonne's today so James and 1 year old Austin could play together for the first time. Yvonne is someone I met through my ex (Rhys) and even though I'm not a legit Twilight fan I did want to see the 2nd movie when it came out. Going to midnight showings with friends (new or old) is more about me being around friends than the movie sometimes. So we bonded over that and she was already pretty pregnant by then. I was there the day after she had Austin, and she visited when I had James. Since then, though, we haven't had time to hang out. Today was awesome, though. To see them interacting, even bullying each other, was interesting. James hasn't been around too many babies his age; just Claire. He kept spontaneously crying, sometimes over nothing.

 

Operation: Hot Sizzle

September 2007; on the left

Once upon a time I was an itty bitty thing. I cannot believe I use to think I was "fat." I was delusional to put it lightly.

August 2007

February 2008, on the left again

October 31, 2009, I'm on the left,

this is the day I got pregnant and it all went to shit

huge gut, arms, thighs are massive, and I have the lunch lady ass

I have about 4 neck rolls and 2 or 3 chins

and I look pregnant ... but I'm not

Sunday I started pilates, tonight I did my first Zumba class, and I just heard there's a place that offers free pilates classes on Saturday mornings. I'm on the hunt for a better-paying job, have a tour/interview at UPS in a couple of weeks. It won't be fun by any means and I will miss doing hair and makeup, but I'm being screwed at the salon I work for (not one appointment in a week or more is not normal nor is it my fault when I'm constantly telling people about me and directing them to come in and ask for me). $15 or less per check is like a slap in my face.

I won't give up on my hair and makeup profession, but I'm done working in salons. I get so little support from people even doing freelance, which to an extent I understand because we're all broke, but all I ask is to set an appointment for 3 months from now to save up for the $35 or $45 haircut + tip. People don't want to, yet some complain when they go to Great Clips for a $6 haircut and leave unhappy.

Off of that negative soap box.

I'm determined to get myself back in shape, get money coming in, get my own place, become an adult. Maybe fall in love somewhere along the lines, but I'm not aspiring for that anymore. It takes over my life if I let it so screw it. I'm tired of looking for it, it can look for me from now on.

Happinesses

Let's see: last night I hung out with Andy - the first time in a long time. It was awesome! He took me to see Pirates of the Caribbean and it was good since everyone was asking for a Jack Sparrow movie, but it wasn't the greatest thing we've ever seen. Then we went to The Brass Ring until it closed at 3a. It was a really good night with an old friend I missed. I'm hoping to get out every night I don't have James.

Sometimes, with him. Saturday we're going to a Memorial Day housewarming party for Christie and David. Super excited! We might not be there too long, but still I need to show him off to my friends who've never met him :)

Today - well, what a wonderful day! Slept in because of last night, but I woke up in time to eat a light breakfast before I had to get ready for my wonderful massage from Christie! She's a miracle worker! After that visit, got dolled up, went to work for a couple hours, took Liz home, then went to Josh's to cut his hair before taking James home.

A combination of a lot of things in the recent couple of weeks has made feel hopeful for the first time in some long months. I even enjoyed being around Josh for the first time since February. I don't know why I gave up on our relationship so easily except at the time it wasn't easy at all. I thought over the pro's and con's for a couple of weeks and then I didn't even word it correctly when I had word vomit over the phone.

I wanted a break, but I said break up - is there even a difference? I was worried that moving into another apartment would be a bad move for us so I suggested we don't and we try to recollect ourselves so the stress can go away, be worked on. I think Josh did want out which is why he treats it as an ending not a pause. I don't bring it up anymore, it only hurts our friendship. I'm focusing on moving forward and if I eventually stop having feelings for him then I'm sure he will be much relieved ... I'll also be pretty happy because losing feelings will come just as naturally as finding them was if it's what's suppose to happen.

But I can't deny that a part of me will always want us to be a family. He gave me the best person in the world for crying out loud. Of course a part of me will always want him. I'm just going to see how it turns out and not try to control it anymore.

But today was a perfect day!