Josh Wants James to be Trendy, Too

Josh has become uber involved in this fixed gear trend happening all over the world. He's definitely going to influence James to be a hipster on a bike. Not that I mind, it's exercise for James. I don't want him to be fat or just sit in front of a computer (like me) and TV (like Josh) his whole life. Plus, James looks adorable in that hat.

Hang Out with the Fellas

Ate tortas for lunch.
Bought records on the cheap.
Had dessert at Square Rootz.
Listened to records.
Watched some of "2 Days In Paris."
James and I had Mexican (again) for dinner with my mom and aunt.
Played.
Got him to bed.

I'm really exhausted.

Happinesses

Let's see: last night I hung out with Andy - the first time in a long time. It was awesome! He took me to see Pirates of the Caribbean and it was good since everyone was asking for a Jack Sparrow movie, but it wasn't the greatest thing we've ever seen. Then we went to The Brass Ring until it closed at 3a. It was a really good night with an old friend I missed. I'm hoping to get out every night I don't have James.

Sometimes, with him. Saturday we're going to a Memorial Day housewarming party for Christie and David. Super excited! We might not be there too long, but still I need to show him off to my friends who've never met him :)

Today - well, what a wonderful day! Slept in because of last night, but I woke up in time to eat a light breakfast before I had to get ready for my wonderful massage from Christie! She's a miracle worker! After that visit, got dolled up, went to work for a couple hours, took Liz home, then went to Josh's to cut his hair before taking James home.

A combination of a lot of things in the recent couple of weeks has made feel hopeful for the first time in some long months. I even enjoyed being around Josh for the first time since February. I don't know why I gave up on our relationship so easily except at the time it wasn't easy at all. I thought over the pro's and con's for a couple of weeks and then I didn't even word it correctly when I had word vomit over the phone.

I wanted a break, but I said break up - is there even a difference? I was worried that moving into another apartment would be a bad move for us so I suggested we don't and we try to recollect ourselves so the stress can go away, be worked on. I think Josh did want out which is why he treats it as an ending not a pause. I don't bring it up anymore, it only hurts our friendship. I'm focusing on moving forward and if I eventually stop having feelings for him then I'm sure he will be much relieved ... I'll also be pretty happy because losing feelings will come just as naturally as finding them was if it's what's suppose to happen.

But I can't deny that a part of me will always want us to be a family. He gave me the best person in the world for crying out loud. Of course a part of me will always want him. I'm just going to see how it turns out and not try to control it anymore.

But today was a perfect day!

Femi

So Femi has had diahrrea for a week. I took her to the vet today. It's not parasites, it's probably due to a combination of stress and diet change. Mom switched the cats over (rather abruptly) to Blue Buffalo, they both got the shits but Grace has a stronger stomach so hers only lasted a day. Femi has been miserable for a week. I'm so happy that with a probiotic diet to up her good bacteria levels and more "kitty prozac" she will be fine (if it was something awful that involved some major vet visit it was not looking too good for her), but I'm really guilty that my cat bullies her plus my son causes her more stress. I really need to find money to get into my own place, take care of James and myself, and then move Grace over when it's possible to afford her as well.

I am looking at part-time gigs; I applied as a cat care specialist and vet tech assistant at the Humane Society. I'd rather play with kittehs all day than watch them be euthanized, though. I'm also going to apply to Harloh's vintage store in Fountain Square, maybe check out a couple other little shops. Not that I'll be offered health care or anything, but at least it'd be steady(ier) money and I'd be there for years while I build clientele. Unless I decide I love a shop job way more and leave the salon - you never know.

I want to move to Fountain Square so bad. I love that area and if it weren't for me finding Calvin Fletcher and then calling them until they called me back (about a month long process) Josh wouldn't even be there. Love the guy, but I think a little credit is due - or whatever.

Today was a great day!

I mean at around 12:45a (guess who) tried to text me because she had something to say. I didn't reply, I told Josh I wouldn't talk to her anymore and I'm not going to. She hasn't told me what she wanted to say so it must not be important, but it's not like I care to know what's in her head anyway. I woke up totally happy that last night happened and that (she) and I are done. She is not a bad person, we just weren't meant to be friends. It's nothing major and neither of our lives are going to be hurt so I'm just happy to be able to be done with it and moving on. This is the last time I'll mention her unless she does something or says something crazy to me, which I doubt will ever happen.

Other than that, I job hunted, picked up my small paycheck (although bigger than the $14 check I got last week), lost my lighter so I met Josh and James at Harloh's since I was right around the corner and needed a smoke, took Femi to the vet (obviously, a good outcome), set up a massage for tomorrow afternoon, Mom made awesome Spanish food from a recipe she found somewhere, and now I'm getting ready to go hang out with my friend Andy. Long lost Andy. I kinda want to hit up the Brass Ring ... I wish I made more money!!!

Am I the Only One?

Am I the only one:
1. who thinks that when someone says "I want to be your friend" that means you are allowed (nay, invited) to offer chances to hang out together without the other person thinking you're trying to hit on them?
2. with the capacity to love someone when I say "I love you"?
3. who has the most badass son?
4. who rocks at hair and makeup?!! (No, but sometimes I feel like it when I do something amazing at work)

In reference to number 10 - I had my camera at work and didn't take photos of any of the awesomeness I created yesterday. So pissed!! I think I'm going to have to hane Jenna come back in so I can play with her hair for free so I can get a photo. Yep.

Yesterday & Today

Tuesday
Slept in, applied to some part-time jobs, worked for a little while, ate some Yats, and visited Missy and Stephen at their new house. It sounds simple, but it was such a good day!!

Wednesday
Determined to have another good day, I woke up happy and got myself pumped up to go to the salon even though there was nothing on my book.  I ended up getting a men's cut, so it worked out kind of.

Then just when I was getting ready to leave I sent Josh a text letting him know someone contacted me on Facebook about a Thursday appointment. I make $0/hour and if people don't come in, I don't make money so turning away an appointment is not going to happen. (Josh makes $13/hour, just so we're clear there.) We're talking like $500-600 checks per week compared to $70 checks per week here. Josh gets pissed, tells me he has to find a second job because he's worried about money (wants more of it) and he can't watch James every day because he doesn't go to bed until 7a even on days he doesn't work (so, by choice), he has "shit" to do. I tell him it's my job, I need money too, if I were making $13/hour I'd be pretty happy, he needs to support me trying to bring money in for our son and my bills and maybe being able to get out on my own since I'm 28 and it's just ridiculous that he's living on his own, buying groceries, buying what James needs, going out with friends, and has the balls to tell me it's not good enough, that he wants more. (That was a run on sentence and I appolgize to you grammar lovers out there.)

I got livid. Not just livid, I think some of the Jerseylicious and Mob Wives mind set kicked in because I went off on the kid. Every time he spit something at me, I came back with something else. I don't usually think well (or well enough) on my feet, but I think this had been building up a long time and the dude just set me off. He thinks only of himself, even when we were together. He said I should pay hm back for taking care of rent, utilities, and "feeding us" for a year (we ate McDonald's daily because he preferred that to grocery shopping...I stopped eating after awhile because I could feel my arteries clogging up with lard). He said he was doing paying for me to live because he was being nice. Being nice isn't nice if you expect that person to pay you back with interest. He's lucky I gave him the $120 to get his new place because he's screwed up his own life by getting in $20,000+ in debt and then topping it off by not paying last month's rent on the last place. That wasn't me. I told him straight out last year: I live with my mom because I make minimum wage and can't promise you that I can buy groceries. In fact, I know for a fact I can't because I can't now. I'm still going to have the same bills and I'm still making nothing at my job.

What'd he say? "We'll figure it out."

Everything about this kid's mentality and attitude told me to stay away, don't move in with him, it's not going to work.

This is what I get for wanting to be in love, be with someone, have a family. I got shit on for a year because he was expecting me to pay him money, buy groceries, clean the house, work, and take care of the baby.

While I was recovering from a C-section dude was going to the pool and out on boats with his friends, leaving me with a newborn and postpartum depression. He's lucky I didn't do something terrible to our son or myself while he was out having fun because it considered paternity leave as his time to party and vacation.

He ended the call with "You know what? Fuck you."

I get the last word: "Fuck you!" *hung up first*

Gotta be quicker than that, kid. I'm a pro at this. Been having to hang up on assholes since I was a kid. My dad taught me something, at least.


On my way to work we played nice in texts and I didn't let this morning ruin my day. I'm working up ideas to bring business in to me and maybe if I can get myself on four really good money-making days Josh can eat his fucking words. He's not getting a dime out of me. I'm playing nice, but all the time I'm plotting my revenge.

They say being happy is the sweetest revenge so let's do this.

I don't back down any more. I'm done sacrificing and trying to compromise in relationships. I have yet to be with one guy who wanted to meet me half way. It's always going to them, making them happy, understanding their side of things and never getting that in return. If that means I'm alone forever, that's ok as long as I'm happy.

It'll be the ultimate fuck you to all of them.

Easter

Photo by Charles I Letbetter

I hope everyone had a good holiday. My was typical: not celebrated. Next year James will at least be able to get a photo with the bunny and egg hunt. Whatever that will mean. It's just not a big deal in my family.

I didn't color any eggs, but I colored Josh's hair. I'm so in love with Wella color that I won't use anything else again. After his hair was done we went to IHOP for brunch. I forgot how much I dislike syrup now so my stomach got a little upset. It's too much sugar. I can't handle sugar anymore. The bacon was good, though. James spilled ice water in his lap and his look was comical; a face that expressed "um ... oops?" He didn't care. Haha!

After brunch we picked up formula for Josh's place and then I came home. Like usual I fell asleep. Mostly from exhaustion, partly from separation anxiety, and a little bit of depression. No joke, my life drains me mentally, emotionally, and physically. No wonder I have zero social life, there's nothing left in me to put out in the universe cause it's all spent.

When I woke up around 8p after a 5 hour nap, I woke up because I was having one of those crazy awesome dreams where you think to yourself (while dreaming) "should I wake up and write this down or keep dreaming and hope I don't forget anything?" I chose to wake up and write it down. In fact, I think I woke up while I was writing it. Six pages in my journal for that 5 second dream.

I just got done with a Jersylicious mini-marathon and now I'm going to go back to bed. Don't know what Monday has in store for me; if anything, then I hope it's inexpensive. I just need out of the house. Job searching tomorrow; hopefully I'll hear back about the second interview for StreetLinks.

Sometimes My Life Ain't So Great

The great majority of us are required to live a life of constant duplicity. Your health is bound to be affected if, day after day, you say the opposite of what you feel, if you grovel before what you dislike, and rejoice at what brings you nothing but misfortune.
~ Boris Pasternak

Journal writing is all I know these days. I have no one to talk to; everyone is off living life and being happy. I broke up with Josh for multiple little reasons that combined made me unhappy, but being single again I'm just miserable. I should have stayed in a relationship where I was way less miserable in the long run. Is that bad to settle like that? All I know is, everyone (women mostly) says that men are all lazy slobs who don't know how to do chores unless you tell them to and they won't be people who will want to talk about feelings or even about your day. I'm not ok with that and I don't understand why these women are making it ok for men to be uninterested, uncaring, and irresponsible with their relationships.

I don't undterstand, too, why the guys I seem to find say one thing, then shoot me down when I follow their suggestions/instructions. Example: "If you need help just ask me" - that's a hard thing for me to do, ask for help. But I do it because I think to myself that stepping out of my comfort zone for a person shows them that I mean it when I say I love them and want to meet them half way. So, what did I do with Josh? Asked him for help when I needed it. What did Josh do? Told me no. He didn't want to get in the middle of it, he "didn't know" what to do or say, he didn't have time, he'd do it later (which meant he wasn't going to do it).

I am tired of putting myself out there, I am tired of trusting that people will be there for me.

So now I'm single and friendless. Tons of people who call me friend, yet when I ask if they want to hang out now that I have kid-free days, I get ignored, told no, or they get to me after the days are done and say "Sorry I didn't reply sooner, that would have been fun, but I'm just so busy right now."

So, I'm really tempted to end all communication and so-called friendships because it's obvious people only want to "hang out" with me via FB comments.

I Hate When He's At His Dad's

But I love all of the sleep I get when he's gone. Today I have a 1:00 interview. If I "pass it" I get a second one, if I "pass that" I get a third one. And if I "pass that" I get a job that pays me $12/hour. So, here's hoping I find a "real job" so I can propoerly provide for James and stop depending on my mom and Josh. That'll help with my mental happiness which will probably help with my overall happiness ... despite the weird schedule and lack of seeing James and having to find child care on Wedneday and Thursday nights and all of the driving I'll have to do in the mornings to get James to his dad's and then go to work. I'm really not looking forward to it much, but it'll mean I could afford to take a vacation next summer and James will be old enough to enjoy that since he'll be almost *gulp* 2 years old.

I'm going to try desperately to sleep since I didn't get any of that last night and hope Josh writes me back since he's too uncomfortable to just talk about things. I don't understand how a person cannt be willing to step out of their comfort zone and go out on a limb for people they know/care about. Unless it just comes down to it that he doesn't care about me. We shall see.