To Change Life You Must First Change Yourself

new beginnings...

Growing Up

James is starting to look like a little kid instead of a baby ... I'm not entirely thrilled with this, but I'm still excited to see him become "human." I can't wait for the day I make us french toast for breakfast, grilled cheese for lunch, and chicken for dinner. Little things like that - so silly.

I've realized lately that I've stopped trying to control every little thing in my life. I still feel like I'm losing grip, but I'm an O C D type A personality and I just need to let go in order to be a functioning happy person. So James is growing up and so am I. It's fun!

Operation: Hot Sizzle

September 2007; on the left

Once upon a time I was an itty bitty thing. I cannot believe I use to think I was "fat." I was delusional to put it lightly.

August 2007

February 2008, on the left again

October 31, 2009, I'm on the left,

this is the day I got pregnant and it all went to shit

huge gut, arms, thighs are massive, and I have the lunch lady ass

I have about 4 neck rolls and 2 or 3 chins

and I look pregnant ... but I'm not

Sunday I started pilates, tonight I did my first Zumba class, and I just heard there's a place that offers free pilates classes on Saturday mornings. I'm on the hunt for a better-paying job, have a tour/interview at UPS in a couple of weeks. It won't be fun by any means and I will miss doing hair and makeup, but I'm being screwed at the salon I work for (not one appointment in a week or more is not normal nor is it my fault when I'm constantly telling people about me and directing them to come in and ask for me). $15 or less per check is like a slap in my face.

I won't give up on my hair and makeup profession, but I'm done working in salons. I get so little support from people even doing freelance, which to an extent I understand because we're all broke, but all I ask is to set an appointment for 3 months from now to save up for the $35 or $45 haircut + tip. People don't want to, yet some complain when they go to Great Clips for a $6 haircut and leave unhappy.

Off of that negative soap box.

I'm determined to get myself back in shape, get money coming in, get my own place, become an adult. Maybe fall in love somewhere along the lines, but I'm not aspiring for that anymore. It takes over my life if I let it so screw it. I'm tired of looking for it, it can look for me from now on.

Happinesses

Let's see: last night I hung out with Andy - the first time in a long time. It was awesome! He took me to see Pirates of the Caribbean and it was good since everyone was asking for a Jack Sparrow movie, but it wasn't the greatest thing we've ever seen. Then we went to The Brass Ring until it closed at 3a. It was a really good night with an old friend I missed. I'm hoping to get out every night I don't have James.

Sometimes, with him. Saturday we're going to a Memorial Day housewarming party for Christie and David. Super excited! We might not be there too long, but still I need to show him off to my friends who've never met him :)

Today - well, what a wonderful day! Slept in because of last night, but I woke up in time to eat a light breakfast before I had to get ready for my wonderful massage from Christie! She's a miracle worker! After that visit, got dolled up, went to work for a couple hours, took Liz home, then went to Josh's to cut his hair before taking James home.

A combination of a lot of things in the recent couple of weeks has made feel hopeful for the first time in some long months. I even enjoyed being around Josh for the first time since February. I don't know why I gave up on our relationship so easily except at the time it wasn't easy at all. I thought over the pro's and con's for a couple of weeks and then I didn't even word it correctly when I had word vomit over the phone.

I wanted a break, but I said break up - is there even a difference? I was worried that moving into another apartment would be a bad move for us so I suggested we don't and we try to recollect ourselves so the stress can go away, be worked on. I think Josh did want out which is why he treats it as an ending not a pause. I don't bring it up anymore, it only hurts our friendship. I'm focusing on moving forward and if I eventually stop having feelings for him then I'm sure he will be much relieved ... I'll also be pretty happy because losing feelings will come just as naturally as finding them was if it's what's suppose to happen.

But I can't deny that a part of me will always want us to be a family. He gave me the best person in the world for crying out loud. Of course a part of me will always want him. I'm just going to see how it turns out and not try to control it anymore.

But today was a perfect day!

Femi

So Femi has had diahrrea for a week. I took her to the vet today. It's not parasites, it's probably due to a combination of stress and diet change. Mom switched the cats over (rather abruptly) to Blue Buffalo, they both got the shits but Grace has a stronger stomach so hers only lasted a day. Femi has been miserable for a week. I'm so happy that with a probiotic diet to up her good bacteria levels and more "kitty prozac" she will be fine (if it was something awful that involved some major vet visit it was not looking too good for her), but I'm really guilty that my cat bullies her plus my son causes her more stress. I really need to find money to get into my own place, take care of James and myself, and then move Grace over when it's possible to afford her as well.

I am looking at part-time gigs; I applied as a cat care specialist and vet tech assistant at the Humane Society. I'd rather play with kittehs all day than watch them be euthanized, though. I'm also going to apply to Harloh's vintage store in Fountain Square, maybe check out a couple other little shops. Not that I'll be offered health care or anything, but at least it'd be steady(ier) money and I'd be there for years while I build clientele. Unless I decide I love a shop job way more and leave the salon - you never know.

I want to move to Fountain Square so bad. I love that area and if it weren't for me finding Calvin Fletcher and then calling them until they called me back (about a month long process) Josh wouldn't even be there. Love the guy, but I think a little credit is due - or whatever.

Today was a great day!

I mean at around 12:45a (guess who) tried to text me because she had something to say. I didn't reply, I told Josh I wouldn't talk to her anymore and I'm not going to. She hasn't told me what she wanted to say so it must not be important, but it's not like I care to know what's in her head anyway. I woke up totally happy that last night happened and that (she) and I are done. She is not a bad person, we just weren't meant to be friends. It's nothing major and neither of our lives are going to be hurt so I'm just happy to be able to be done with it and moving on. This is the last time I'll mention her unless she does something or says something crazy to me, which I doubt will ever happen.

Other than that, I job hunted, picked up my small paycheck (although bigger than the $14 check I got last week), lost my lighter so I met Josh and James at Harloh's since I was right around the corner and needed a smoke, took Femi to the vet (obviously, a good outcome), set up a massage for tomorrow afternoon, Mom made awesome Spanish food from a recipe she found somewhere, and now I'm getting ready to go hang out with my friend Andy. Long lost Andy. I kinda want to hit up the Brass Ring ... I wish I made more money!!!

Am I the Only One?

Am I the only one:
1. who thinks that when someone says "I want to be your friend" that means you are allowed (nay, invited) to offer chances to hang out together without the other person thinking you're trying to hit on them?
2. with the capacity to love someone when I say "I love you"?
3. who has the most badass son?
4. who rocks at hair and makeup?!! (No, but sometimes I feel like it when I do something amazing at work)

In reference to number 10 - I had my camera at work and didn't take photos of any of the awesomeness I created yesterday. So pissed!! I think I'm going to have to hane Jenna come back in so I can play with her hair for free so I can get a photo. Yep.

Yesterday & Today

Tuesday
Slept in, applied to some part-time jobs, worked for a little while, ate some Yats, and visited Missy and Stephen at their new house. It sounds simple, but it was such a good day!!

Wednesday
Determined to have another good day, I woke up happy and got myself pumped up to go to the salon even though there was nothing on my book.  I ended up getting a men's cut, so it worked out kind of.

Then just when I was getting ready to leave I sent Josh a text letting him know someone contacted me on Facebook about a Thursday appointment. I make $0/hour and if people don't come in, I don't make money so turning away an appointment is not going to happen. (Josh makes $13/hour, just so we're clear there.) We're talking like $500-600 checks per week compared to $70 checks per week here. Josh gets pissed, tells me he has to find a second job because he's worried about money (wants more of it) and he can't watch James every day because he doesn't go to bed until 7a even on days he doesn't work (so, by choice), he has "shit" to do. I tell him it's my job, I need money too, if I were making $13/hour I'd be pretty happy, he needs to support me trying to bring money in for our son and my bills and maybe being able to get out on my own since I'm 28 and it's just ridiculous that he's living on his own, buying groceries, buying what James needs, going out with friends, and has the balls to tell me it's not good enough, that he wants more. (That was a run on sentence and I appolgize to you grammar lovers out there.)

I got livid. Not just livid, I think some of the Jerseylicious and Mob Wives mind set kicked in because I went off on the kid. Every time he spit something at me, I came back with something else. I don't usually think well (or well enough) on my feet, but I think this had been building up a long time and the dude just set me off. He thinks only of himself, even when we were together. He said I should pay hm back for taking care of rent, utilities, and "feeding us" for a year (we ate McDonald's daily because he preferred that to grocery shopping...I stopped eating after awhile because I could feel my arteries clogging up with lard). He said he was doing paying for me to live because he was being nice. Being nice isn't nice if you expect that person to pay you back with interest. He's lucky I gave him the $120 to get his new place because he's screwed up his own life by getting in $20,000+ in debt and then topping it off by not paying last month's rent on the last place. That wasn't me. I told him straight out last year: I live with my mom because I make minimum wage and can't promise you that I can buy groceries. In fact, I know for a fact I can't because I can't now. I'm still going to have the same bills and I'm still making nothing at my job.

What'd he say? "We'll figure it out."

Everything about this kid's mentality and attitude told me to stay away, don't move in with him, it's not going to work.

This is what I get for wanting to be in love, be with someone, have a family. I got shit on for a year because he was expecting me to pay him money, buy groceries, clean the house, work, and take care of the baby.

While I was recovering from a C-section dude was going to the pool and out on boats with his friends, leaving me with a newborn and postpartum depression. He's lucky I didn't do something terrible to our son or myself while he was out having fun because it considered paternity leave as his time to party and vacation.

He ended the call with "You know what? Fuck you."

I get the last word: "Fuck you!" *hung up first*

Gotta be quicker than that, kid. I'm a pro at this. Been having to hang up on assholes since I was a kid. My dad taught me something, at least.


On my way to work we played nice in texts and I didn't let this morning ruin my day. I'm working up ideas to bring business in to me and maybe if I can get myself on four really good money-making days Josh can eat his fucking words. He's not getting a dime out of me. I'm playing nice, but all the time I'm plotting my revenge.

They say being happy is the sweetest revenge so let's do this.

I don't back down any more. I'm done sacrificing and trying to compromise in relationships. I have yet to be with one guy who wanted to meet me half way. It's always going to them, making them happy, understanding their side of things and never getting that in return. If that means I'm alone forever, that's ok as long as I'm happy.

It'll be the ultimate fuck you to all of them.

Sometimes My Life Ain't So Great

The great majority of us are required to live a life of constant duplicity. Your health is bound to be affected if, day after day, you say the opposite of what you feel, if you grovel before what you dislike, and rejoice at what brings you nothing but misfortune.
~ Boris Pasternak

Journal writing is all I know these days. I have no one to talk to; everyone is off living life and being happy. I broke up with Josh for multiple little reasons that combined made me unhappy, but being single again I'm just miserable. I should have stayed in a relationship where I was way less miserable in the long run. Is that bad to settle like that? All I know is, everyone (women mostly) says that men are all lazy slobs who don't know how to do chores unless you tell them to and they won't be people who will want to talk about feelings or even about your day. I'm not ok with that and I don't understand why these women are making it ok for men to be uninterested, uncaring, and irresponsible with their relationships.

I don't undterstand, too, why the guys I seem to find say one thing, then shoot me down when I follow their suggestions/instructions. Example: "If you need help just ask me" - that's a hard thing for me to do, ask for help. But I do it because I think to myself that stepping out of my comfort zone for a person shows them that I mean it when I say I love them and want to meet them half way. So, what did I do with Josh? Asked him for help when I needed it. What did Josh do? Told me no. He didn't want to get in the middle of it, he "didn't know" what to do or say, he didn't have time, he'd do it later (which meant he wasn't going to do it).

I am tired of putting myself out there, I am tired of trusting that people will be there for me.

So now I'm single and friendless. Tons of people who call me friend, yet when I ask if they want to hang out now that I have kid-free days, I get ignored, told no, or they get to me after the days are done and say "Sorry I didn't reply sooner, that would have been fun, but I'm just so busy right now."

So, I'm really tempted to end all communication and so-called friendships because it's obvious people only want to "hang out" with me via FB comments.

I Hope Ellen Picks Me

Ellen Degeners is giving away a Hawaiian vacation for 4 - so you know I entered into that! I don't usually enter contests, but after ten years of minimum wage jobs because no one will give me a chance and only one potential job on the horizon (two more interviews, don't know when they're happening) that if (big if) I get it will make life a little easier financially, I need a vacation! Life just gets harder and harder the older you get, and I'm just about to my breaking point. Something has to give, whether it's negative or positive, something is going to happen. I'm too afraid to hope for positive because it doesn't tend to happen, so I just sorta go through the motions I'm suppose to and wait to see what happens.

Come on Ellen!!!!

Let Me Take One Tiny Second to Discuss Religion and Politics

Stop talking about them to me!

Those are the two subjects I will never discuss with people. I don't want to argue over such two crazy topics. They're neither petty nor important and they cause nothing but anger, heartache, and hatred between opposing views. Life is too short to start wars over these two things and the world would be better off just letting everyone happily believe (or disbelieve) whatever they like.

If you are not harming others and innocent life (ie: torturing animals, killing people) then who cares?! Stop Caring What I Do or Do Not Believe!!!






Oh, and I aced the interview. Phone interview later this week with a possible 3rd (and last) interview beginning of next week. Two more and then I'll have a stable job with great pay.