Josh Wants James to be Trendy, Too

Josh has become uber involved in this fixed gear trend happening all over the world. He's definitely going to influence James to be a hipster on a bike. Not that I mind, it's exercise for James. I don't want him to be fat or just sit in front of a computer (like me) and TV (like Josh) his whole life. Plus, James looks adorable in that hat.

Hang Out with the Fellas

Ate tortas for lunch.
Bought records on the cheap.
Had dessert at Square Rootz.
Listened to records.
Watched some of "2 Days In Paris."
James and I had Mexican (again) for dinner with my mom and aunt.
Played.
Got him to bed.

I'm really exhausted.

Growing Up

James is starting to look like a little kid instead of a baby ... I'm not entirely thrilled with this, but I'm still excited to see him become "human." I can't wait for the day I make us french toast for breakfast, grilled cheese for lunch, and chicken for dinner. Little things like that - so silly.

I've realized lately that I've stopped trying to control every little thing in my life. I still feel like I'm losing grip, but I'm an O C D type A personality and I just need to let go in order to be a functioning happy person. So James is growing up and so am I. It's fun!

New Friend for James

We went to Yvonne's today so James and 1 year old Austin could play together for the first time. Yvonne is someone I met through my ex (Rhys) and even though I'm not a legit Twilight fan I did want to see the 2nd movie when it came out. Going to midnight showings with friends (new or old) is more about me being around friends than the movie sometimes. So we bonded over that and she was already pretty pregnant by then. I was there the day after she had Austin, and she visited when I had James. Since then, though, we haven't had time to hang out. Today was awesome, though. To see them interacting, even bullying each other, was interesting. James hasn't been around too many babies his age; just Claire. He kept spontaneously crying, sometimes over nothing.

 

Happinesses

Let's see: last night I hung out with Andy - the first time in a long time. It was awesome! He took me to see Pirates of the Caribbean and it was good since everyone was asking for a Jack Sparrow movie, but it wasn't the greatest thing we've ever seen. Then we went to The Brass Ring until it closed at 3a. It was a really good night with an old friend I missed. I'm hoping to get out every night I don't have James.

Sometimes, with him. Saturday we're going to a Memorial Day housewarming party for Christie and David. Super excited! We might not be there too long, but still I need to show him off to my friends who've never met him :)

Today - well, what a wonderful day! Slept in because of last night, but I woke up in time to eat a light breakfast before I had to get ready for my wonderful massage from Christie! She's a miracle worker! After that visit, got dolled up, went to work for a couple hours, took Liz home, then went to Josh's to cut his hair before taking James home.

A combination of a lot of things in the recent couple of weeks has made feel hopeful for the first time in some long months. I even enjoyed being around Josh for the first time since February. I don't know why I gave up on our relationship so easily except at the time it wasn't easy at all. I thought over the pro's and con's for a couple of weeks and then I didn't even word it correctly when I had word vomit over the phone.

I wanted a break, but I said break up - is there even a difference? I was worried that moving into another apartment would be a bad move for us so I suggested we don't and we try to recollect ourselves so the stress can go away, be worked on. I think Josh did want out which is why he treats it as an ending not a pause. I don't bring it up anymore, it only hurts our friendship. I'm focusing on moving forward and if I eventually stop having feelings for him then I'm sure he will be much relieved ... I'll also be pretty happy because losing feelings will come just as naturally as finding them was if it's what's suppose to happen.

But I can't deny that a part of me will always want us to be a family. He gave me the best person in the world for crying out loud. Of course a part of me will always want him. I'm just going to see how it turns out and not try to control it anymore.

But today was a perfect day!

My First Mother's Day

James has three or four teeth coming on top, he stood up on his own on Friday night, he's walking while either holding your hand or onto his walker, and he give high fives and kisses now. That's all that he's done in just one week. He's getting so big so quickly!

Today was my first official Mother's Day and it was fun. Had lunch at Logan's Roadhouse, shopped at Target, then after I dropped James off at his dad's I hung out with Peggy for awhile. I had sushi and watched Groundhog Day for the first time (each) - loved them both! Must buy the movie at some point. Need find cure for death so Bill Murray can live forever!

Tomorrow is James' 9 month doctor appointment - no shots so it should be quick, painless, and easy. Then I don't have anything to do besides more job hunting and cleaning the house. *insert sarcastic "yay" here*

More Photos From Charles

Easter

Photo by Charles I Letbetter

I hope everyone had a good holiday. My was typical: not celebrated. Next year James will at least be able to get a photo with the bunny and egg hunt. Whatever that will mean. It's just not a big deal in my family.

I didn't color any eggs, but I colored Josh's hair. I'm so in love with Wella color that I won't use anything else again. After his hair was done we went to IHOP for brunch. I forgot how much I dislike syrup now so my stomach got a little upset. It's too much sugar. I can't handle sugar anymore. The bacon was good, though. James spilled ice water in his lap and his look was comical; a face that expressed "um ... oops?" He didn't care. Haha!

After brunch we picked up formula for Josh's place and then I came home. Like usual I fell asleep. Mostly from exhaustion, partly from separation anxiety, and a little bit of depression. No joke, my life drains me mentally, emotionally, and physically. No wonder I have zero social life, there's nothing left in me to put out in the universe cause it's all spent.

When I woke up around 8p after a 5 hour nap, I woke up because I was having one of those crazy awesome dreams where you think to yourself (while dreaming) "should I wake up and write this down or keep dreaming and hope I don't forget anything?" I chose to wake up and write it down. In fact, I think I woke up while I was writing it. Six pages in my journal for that 5 second dream.

I just got done with a Jersylicious mini-marathon and now I'm going to go back to bed. Don't know what Monday has in store for me; if anything, then I hope it's inexpensive. I just need out of the house. Job searching tomorrow; hopefully I'll hear back about the second interview for StreetLinks.

Not Gonna Lie, Today Was Awesome

The day flew by today!
Woke up at 7:30a when James started crying "Mama!", but didn't get out of the bed until 7:45a. Fed him, changed him. By then it was around 8:30a. Watched the weather report, decided against going to the zoo. Wrestled the babe until he was dressed, got myself dressed, and headed for Walmart at 9:30a. Left Walmart at 10:30a and stopped for Taco Bell. Laid James down at 10:50a. Watched Ellen from 11a-12p. Cleaned, ate lunch, and computer surfed until 1:45p when James woke up. Fed him lunch with juice, changed him, turned on a movie that he didn't watch but it was good background noise, and kept cleaning until 4p when Mom got home. Ate dinner, bathed James, fed him dinner and a bottle. He laid down at 6p and woke up at 6:45p. Not thrilled he decided he was just going to nap ... also not thrilled I let him go to sleep earlier than 7:30p. Lesson learned. Back hurts from giving him a bath.
The weather was crappy today; cold and eventually rainy. Photo above is from our Easter shoot yesterday (the only nice day this week and for the next couple of weeks). I'm freezing. I think I'll put an extra blanket on the bed. Time to shower and get into some pj's. I think Mom's going to have to take the night shift. I have to work tomorrow. But at least tomorrow also means Purple Hat Project shoot!!!

Goodnight.

Holliday Park Photos

Today was the first nice day in awhile and that makes me so happy! James and I have had a photo shoot with Charles Letbetter planned since March and I was going to be just a little bit pissed if the weather was cold, rainy, and/or tornado-y. Thankfully, for Mother Nature, today was gorgeous!!

I packed up the bunny ears, a pirate shirt from Uncle Chris, a pirate shirt for me, and got us all dressed up. Holliday Park is amazing and there were so many kids there. Definitely someplace James and I will be frequenting through his life :)

Photos should be ready in a couple of days - until then I wait with bated breath! They're always awesome and we got to play the whole time so you know they'll be fun to look at. James is a natural in front of the camera!!

I Hate When He's At His Dad's

But I love all of the sleep I get when he's gone. Today I have a 1:00 interview. If I "pass it" I get a second one, if I "pass that" I get a third one. And if I "pass that" I get a job that pays me $12/hour. So, here's hoping I find a "real job" so I can propoerly provide for James and stop depending on my mom and Josh. That'll help with my mental happiness which will probably help with my overall happiness ... despite the weird schedule and lack of seeing James and having to find child care on Wedneday and Thursday nights and all of the driving I'll have to do in the mornings to get James to his dad's and then go to work. I'm really not looking forward to it much, but it'll mean I could afford to take a vacation next summer and James will be old enough to enjoy that since he'll be almost *gulp* 2 years old.

I'm going to try desperately to sleep since I didn't get any of that last night and hope Josh writes me back since he's too uncomfortable to just talk about things. I don't understand how a person cannt be willing to step out of their comfort zone and go out on a limb for people they know/care about. Unless it just comes down to it that he doesn't care about me. We shall see.

And Then There Are Days Like Today

I cannot stress enough how much I love IN in the spring! Today was a good day!!! Josh and I revised the visitation schedule, and it makes more sense now. So I get James all weekend :) Today we went to Toys R Us Express at the Metropolis Mall in Plainfield and bought him a wading pool and a smaller, more compact stroller. The bigger one will be great for zoo trips, water park trips, etc. This one (a whopping $20 - *squee*) is great for just everyday bullshit. After we spent some of his YaYa's money, she took us to lunch at Chili's, then on a drive to look at all of the houses up for sale in Old Plainfield (dream), and then to Dairy Queen. Before we left James took an hour nap, during the drive through Plainfield he took another hour nap, and when we got home I was ready for a nap. I took a 4 hour nap ... YIKES! It was nice. Woke up to a screaming baby who wanted his Mami to give him a bottle so he could fall asleep and now I'm plotting *haha* In other words, planning his first birthday.

Easter Bunny Photo

I guess I should make James do that since we did the Santa Claus bit in December...


Why don't they have photos with a Leprachaun anywhere? Or a big giant heart, a firework or Uncle Sam? There are a lot of depraved holidays out there.

I'm About to Say Something You Won't Like

I'm not that great at being a mom. I lose my patience often and it was never something I wanted to be anyway. That being said, I do love my James. I'm just not crazy in love with motherhood. I'm not going to be the mom who sews up Halloween costumes or costumes for plays. If something gets ripped, I'll just buy something to replace it because I can't sew. He'll be in sports and the arts, I'll even teach him how to dance so he's not awkward at prom, but please don't think this is all first nature to me. I'm making it up as I go. I cuss, prefer tattoos to jewelry, I don't go out of my way to look fabulous most days (only if I have to, really), and after an hour I'm so tired of trying to entertain an 8 month old, I tend to just sit. If any of this seems wrong to you, stop following my blog now because I'm sure on my bad days (we all have them so stop pretending you don't) you're going to hate my posts where I vent.

Arm Farts

April 7, 2011

Claire and James, Sitting in a Tree...

Had our first real playdate today with Claire (and Bailey). James and Claire are only a month apart (she's older). It was cute.

First Day Home

August 11, 2010

My James Sparrow, 8 months old