To Change Life You Must First Change Yourself

new beginnings...

Growing Up

James is starting to look like a little kid instead of a baby ... I'm not entirely thrilled with this, but I'm still excited to see him become "human." I can't wait for the day I make us french toast for breakfast, grilled cheese for lunch, and chicken for dinner. Little things like that - so silly.

I've realized lately that I've stopped trying to control every little thing in my life. I still feel like I'm losing grip, but I'm an O C D type A personality and I just need to let go in order to be a functioning happy person. So James is growing up and so am I. It's fun!

New Friend for James

We went to Yvonne's today so James and 1 year old Austin could play together for the first time. Yvonne is someone I met through my ex (Rhys) and even though I'm not a legit Twilight fan I did want to see the 2nd movie when it came out. Going to midnight showings with friends (new or old) is more about me being around friends than the movie sometimes. So we bonded over that and she was already pretty pregnant by then. I was there the day after she had Austin, and she visited when I had James. Since then, though, we haven't had time to hang out. Today was awesome, though. To see them interacting, even bullying each other, was interesting. James hasn't been around too many babies his age; just Claire. He kept spontaneously crying, sometimes over nothing.

 

Operation: Hot Sizzle

September 2007; on the left

Once upon a time I was an itty bitty thing. I cannot believe I use to think I was "fat." I was delusional to put it lightly.

August 2007

February 2008, on the left again

October 31, 2009, I'm on the left,

this is the day I got pregnant and it all went to shit

huge gut, arms, thighs are massive, and I have the lunch lady ass

I have about 4 neck rolls and 2 or 3 chins

and I look pregnant ... but I'm not

Sunday I started pilates, tonight I did my first Zumba class, and I just heard there's a place that offers free pilates classes on Saturday mornings. I'm on the hunt for a better-paying job, have a tour/interview at UPS in a couple of weeks. It won't be fun by any means and I will miss doing hair and makeup, but I'm being screwed at the salon I work for (not one appointment in a week or more is not normal nor is it my fault when I'm constantly telling people about me and directing them to come in and ask for me). $15 or less per check is like a slap in my face.

I won't give up on my hair and makeup profession, but I'm done working in salons. I get so little support from people even doing freelance, which to an extent I understand because we're all broke, but all I ask is to set an appointment for 3 months from now to save up for the $35 or $45 haircut + tip. People don't want to, yet some complain when they go to Great Clips for a $6 haircut and leave unhappy.

Off of that negative soap box.

I'm determined to get myself back in shape, get money coming in, get my own place, become an adult. Maybe fall in love somewhere along the lines, but I'm not aspiring for that anymore. It takes over my life if I let it so screw it. I'm tired of looking for it, it can look for me from now on.

Happinesses

Let's see: last night I hung out with Andy - the first time in a long time. It was awesome! He took me to see Pirates of the Caribbean and it was good since everyone was asking for a Jack Sparrow movie, but it wasn't the greatest thing we've ever seen. Then we went to The Brass Ring until it closed at 3a. It was a really good night with an old friend I missed. I'm hoping to get out every night I don't have James.

Sometimes, with him. Saturday we're going to a Memorial Day housewarming party for Christie and David. Super excited! We might not be there too long, but still I need to show him off to my friends who've never met him :)

Today - well, what a wonderful day! Slept in because of last night, but I woke up in time to eat a light breakfast before I had to get ready for my wonderful massage from Christie! She's a miracle worker! After that visit, got dolled up, went to work for a couple hours, took Liz home, then went to Josh's to cut his hair before taking James home.

A combination of a lot of things in the recent couple of weeks has made feel hopeful for the first time in some long months. I even enjoyed being around Josh for the first time since February. I don't know why I gave up on our relationship so easily except at the time it wasn't easy at all. I thought over the pro's and con's for a couple of weeks and then I didn't even word it correctly when I had word vomit over the phone.

I wanted a break, but I said break up - is there even a difference? I was worried that moving into another apartment would be a bad move for us so I suggested we don't and we try to recollect ourselves so the stress can go away, be worked on. I think Josh did want out which is why he treats it as an ending not a pause. I don't bring it up anymore, it only hurts our friendship. I'm focusing on moving forward and if I eventually stop having feelings for him then I'm sure he will be much relieved ... I'll also be pretty happy because losing feelings will come just as naturally as finding them was if it's what's suppose to happen.

But I can't deny that a part of me will always want us to be a family. He gave me the best person in the world for crying out loud. Of course a part of me will always want him. I'm just going to see how it turns out and not try to control it anymore.

But today was a perfect day!

Femi

So Femi has had diahrrea for a week. I took her to the vet today. It's not parasites, it's probably due to a combination of stress and diet change. Mom switched the cats over (rather abruptly) to Blue Buffalo, they both got the shits but Grace has a stronger stomach so hers only lasted a day. Femi has been miserable for a week. I'm so happy that with a probiotic diet to up her good bacteria levels and more "kitty prozac" she will be fine (if it was something awful that involved some major vet visit it was not looking too good for her), but I'm really guilty that my cat bullies her plus my son causes her more stress. I really need to find money to get into my own place, take care of James and myself, and then move Grace over when it's possible to afford her as well.

I am looking at part-time gigs; I applied as a cat care specialist and vet tech assistant at the Humane Society. I'd rather play with kittehs all day than watch them be euthanized, though. I'm also going to apply to Harloh's vintage store in Fountain Square, maybe check out a couple other little shops. Not that I'll be offered health care or anything, but at least it'd be steady(ier) money and I'd be there for years while I build clientele. Unless I decide I love a shop job way more and leave the salon - you never know.

I want to move to Fountain Square so bad. I love that area and if it weren't for me finding Calvin Fletcher and then calling them until they called me back (about a month long process) Josh wouldn't even be there. Love the guy, but I think a little credit is due - or whatever.

Today was a great day!

I mean at around 12:45a (guess who) tried to text me because she had something to say. I didn't reply, I told Josh I wouldn't talk to her anymore and I'm not going to. She hasn't told me what she wanted to say so it must not be important, but it's not like I care to know what's in her head anyway. I woke up totally happy that last night happened and that (she) and I are done. She is not a bad person, we just weren't meant to be friends. It's nothing major and neither of our lives are going to be hurt so I'm just happy to be able to be done with it and moving on. This is the last time I'll mention her unless she does something or says something crazy to me, which I doubt will ever happen.

Other than that, I job hunted, picked up my small paycheck (although bigger than the $14 check I got last week), lost my lighter so I met Josh and James at Harloh's since I was right around the corner and needed a smoke, took Femi to the vet (obviously, a good outcome), set up a massage for tomorrow afternoon, Mom made awesome Spanish food from a recipe she found somewhere, and now I'm getting ready to go hang out with my friend Andy. Long lost Andy. I kinda want to hit up the Brass Ring ... I wish I made more money!!!

Joplin

Woke up to hear about the horrible news in Joplin. 89 people dead and the entire town wiped out. I am so sad for them.

I don't know if that's enough to say on a topic like that, but it's all I can think of.



I'm job-hunting right now. Later I'm going to pick up my check at the salon. Last week it was only a $14 (and some change) check so I don't tend to get excited about my paychecks. I don't think people understand that I'm commission-only and my owner doesn't do anything to bring in business. It's all me for me. I wish my friends were able to come to me. It'd be nice to see (emotional) support ... It would also help out financially, of course. But I know money is tight everywhere so I shouldn't complain. I'll just find a job to work at for a few years while I build clientele since that takes a couple of years (or more, it's different for everyone I hear).

For Some Reason I have Doubts

Though, somehow I doubt it will happen. Wonder why... ^

For Better AND Worse

"If you love me when I'm good then you have to love me when I'm bad and if you don't then you have to go."

I feel like too many people will only love someone else as long as they never exhibit negativity. People, that's called being fake. If you want someone to be fake with you, then have at it, but to react like negativity isn't something you're going to experience with/because of someone you say you're in love with makes you a complete fool.

It Will Be Mine

future tattoo

Am I the Only One?

Am I the only one:
1. who thinks that when someone says "I want to be your friend" that means you are allowed (nay, invited) to offer chances to hang out together without the other person thinking you're trying to hit on them?
2. with the capacity to love someone when I say "I love you"?
3. who has the most badass son?
4. who rocks at hair and makeup?!! (No, but sometimes I feel like it when I do something amazing at work)

In reference to number 10 - I had my camera at work and didn't take photos of any of the awesomeness I created yesterday. So pissed!! I think I'm going to have to hane Jenna come back in so I can play with her hair for free so I can get a photo. Yep.

Yesterday & Today

Tuesday
Slept in, applied to some part-time jobs, worked for a little while, ate some Yats, and visited Missy and Stephen at their new house. It sounds simple, but it was such a good day!!

Wednesday
Determined to have another good day, I woke up happy and got myself pumped up to go to the salon even though there was nothing on my book.  I ended up getting a men's cut, so it worked out kind of.

Then just when I was getting ready to leave I sent Josh a text letting him know someone contacted me on Facebook about a Thursday appointment. I make $0/hour and if people don't come in, I don't make money so turning away an appointment is not going to happen. (Josh makes $13/hour, just so we're clear there.) We're talking like $500-600 checks per week compared to $70 checks per week here. Josh gets pissed, tells me he has to find a second job because he's worried about money (wants more of it) and he can't watch James every day because he doesn't go to bed until 7a even on days he doesn't work (so, by choice), he has "shit" to do. I tell him it's my job, I need money too, if I were making $13/hour I'd be pretty happy, he needs to support me trying to bring money in for our son and my bills and maybe being able to get out on my own since I'm 28 and it's just ridiculous that he's living on his own, buying groceries, buying what James needs, going out with friends, and has the balls to tell me it's not good enough, that he wants more. (That was a run on sentence and I appolgize to you grammar lovers out there.)

I got livid. Not just livid, I think some of the Jerseylicious and Mob Wives mind set kicked in because I went off on the kid. Every time he spit something at me, I came back with something else. I don't usually think well (or well enough) on my feet, but I think this had been building up a long time and the dude just set me off. He thinks only of himself, even when we were together. He said I should pay hm back for taking care of rent, utilities, and "feeding us" for a year (we ate McDonald's daily because he preferred that to grocery shopping...I stopped eating after awhile because I could feel my arteries clogging up with lard). He said he was doing paying for me to live because he was being nice. Being nice isn't nice if you expect that person to pay you back with interest. He's lucky I gave him the $120 to get his new place because he's screwed up his own life by getting in $20,000+ in debt and then topping it off by not paying last month's rent on the last place. That wasn't me. I told him straight out last year: I live with my mom because I make minimum wage and can't promise you that I can buy groceries. In fact, I know for a fact I can't because I can't now. I'm still going to have the same bills and I'm still making nothing at my job.

What'd he say? "We'll figure it out."

Everything about this kid's mentality and attitude told me to stay away, don't move in with him, it's not going to work.

This is what I get for wanting to be in love, be with someone, have a family. I got shit on for a year because he was expecting me to pay him money, buy groceries, clean the house, work, and take care of the baby.

While I was recovering from a C-section dude was going to the pool and out on boats with his friends, leaving me with a newborn and postpartum depression. He's lucky I didn't do something terrible to our son or myself while he was out having fun because it considered paternity leave as his time to party and vacation.

He ended the call with "You know what? Fuck you."

I get the last word: "Fuck you!" *hung up first*

Gotta be quicker than that, kid. I'm a pro at this. Been having to hang up on assholes since I was a kid. My dad taught me something, at least.


On my way to work we played nice in texts and I didn't let this morning ruin my day. I'm working up ideas to bring business in to me and maybe if I can get myself on four really good money-making days Josh can eat his fucking words. He's not getting a dime out of me. I'm playing nice, but all the time I'm plotting my revenge.

They say being happy is the sweetest revenge so let's do this.

I don't back down any more. I'm done sacrificing and trying to compromise in relationships. I have yet to be with one guy who wanted to meet me half way. It's always going to them, making them happy, understanding their side of things and never getting that in return. If that means I'm alone forever, that's ok as long as I'm happy.

It'll be the ultimate fuck you to all of them.

Friendship?

What does friendship mean?

Lately, in my life, it means: I had friends "till death" up until about 2008 and then everyone decided to only worry and think about themselves, no one else. Relationships took number 1 priority; if the boyfriend or girlfriend couldn't come along, it was out of the question to hang out. Family is important so I'm not going to ever knock that excuse. Relationships are important too but all of my friends only think about work, family, significant other. Friends just have to forget about it.

I can't be the only person who actually believes still that if you tell someone you miss them and want to hang out, that you should mean it when you say it. For three years now people have been telling me they miss me, they want to see me, I should call or text them on a specific day and we'll hang out. They tell me to make the effort to call them, not the other way around ever, so keep that in mind. So I call or text on the day they have told me they are free and want to hang out - I'm either ignored or blown off 99% of the time.

How dare you call me friend, set me up like that, and then drop me on my face.

The other thing I love is how some people have chosen to cut themselves off. Like one girl who stopped being my friend because I dated someone she previously dated 8 years earlier and kept on the back burner so she could cheat on her boyfriend with him. He said he was tired of it, we got to know each other, I don't cheat on people, he asked me out, I said yes. Really? That's the kind of person you are? Buh-bye, poser.

I had over 400 people on my Facebook friends list and not a single person really ever meant it when they said "let's hang out." I've since deleted over half of those people and I've just finished another cleanse of the list. Most of the people I kept around probably won't be there next week.


I think the straw that has broken this camel's back is my ex. Always with the "I want to be friends and hang out" yet if I ask him out he automatically jumps to "you act like we're still together I need space." The fuck is wrong with people?!!! Really? Fuck you, fuck all of you. I'm done with the whole lot of ya. You're poison to me and I'm tired of taking it.

You're dead. As far as I'm concerned, I buried your asses three years ago when you walked away for some guy instead of starting something new and keeping tight with your friend. Your loss!

My First Mother's Day

James has three or four teeth coming on top, he stood up on his own on Friday night, he's walking while either holding your hand or onto his walker, and he give high fives and kisses now. That's all that he's done in just one week. He's getting so big so quickly!

Today was my first official Mother's Day and it was fun. Had lunch at Logan's Roadhouse, shopped at Target, then after I dropped James off at his dad's I hung out with Peggy for awhile. I had sushi and watched Groundhog Day for the first time (each) - loved them both! Must buy the movie at some point. Need find cure for death so Bill Murray can live forever!

Tomorrow is James' 9 month doctor appointment - no shots so it should be quick, painless, and easy. Then I don't have anything to do besides more job hunting and cleaning the house. *insert sarcastic "yay" here*

May the 4th Be With You

Happy Star Wars Day!!

More Photos From Charles