What a Great Saturday

Yes, that is a fruit bat peeing.

Today seems like three days rolled into one. I went out last night for Liz's 26th birthday, worked today from 11:30-1 (and did a great haircut), tried finding the audition space in Greenwood but it wasn't happening so I gave up, then went to the zoo with my mom, James, and my brother. Such a great day!!!

 Barf Vader

 in the desert

 first train ride

 with Uncle Chris

 the new baby giraffe

 the new baby baboon

my moment of art for the day

Ombre Hair

By the time my hair gets long enough to do this it'll be out of style *sad face*

Sick Day

So the whole time James was with his dad, I felt fine. Yesterday he comes home, I have a scratchy throat. I drank two giant glasses of orange juice before bed (on top of days before, in a row, which lead to the typical citrus-induced canker sore). I drink vitamin C like it's going out of style. So why did I wake up today feeling like total ass and balls??

James slept a lot today because (1) he was cranky from his teething and (2) I had zero energy to entertain him. He slept his usual 11-12 nap and then went back to sleep after screaming and crying from 2-3. Around 3 I started to actually doze off so I didn't get him out of bed, and he still fell asleep before I did again!! I slept from just after 3-4:30. James woke up around 4:15 when my mom got home and changed/fed him. We had Chinese food, made a quick and pointless trip to Walmart, and then relaxed at home. I had some energy to play with James for awhile and then at 8:30 he fell asleep again. It's now 10:07 and I'm waiting to watch the mini marathon of all three episodes of Audrina.



I need a new car...

Waiting Waiting

I was suppose to have a phone interview at the end of last week, but by Friday I still hadn't heard from them so I called the agency that's doing the placing and was told they were "dragging their feet" and I should hear from them soon. Got a call at 12:30p saying I'd be hearing from them between 3 and 4.

I got so wrapped up in trying to get ready for my one and only appointment at the salon (which is scheduled for 5p) that here I am thinking "I have to leave at 3:30 and it's 3:20. They need to call!" I still have an hour before I have to leave.

Interviews - ugh! Nothing but a bundle of nervous energy.


Saturday I'm auditioning for a part in a movie. Originally, last weekend, I was suppose to play a skanky milf who gets murdered during sex. Well, due to Josh's exhaustion and needing to push his days with James back a day, I had to drop out of that project. I'm grown up enough to know that leaving at least a nice, professional voicemail is better than a quick, informal text so I called the contact, apologized a few times, let him know my situation, and offered services in the hair department if he ever needed it.

This morning I woke up to my phone buzzing from an email:
We'd like for you to come in Saturday to read for the part of Michelle. It's a bigger part than the other one. Please, R.S.V.P. as soon as possible.

Uh, yes please! I am no actress by any means, but who turns down a fun day of dress up, rape, and murder?!!! See, professionalism, sincerity, and more than 2 hours notice works for you. Now if people would get that idea on lock down in their brains and utilize it for things like, oh, salon appointments. The people who are in the medical field (as in the ER) I can let them get away with it because you don't know what's going to happen when you're on call.

Well, I guess I'll keep searching the internet nervously until the phone call. It's now 3:28p ... 32 minutes left. I hope they call by 4 so I don't have to try to concentrate on them and navigating traffic. I do not leave my guests waiting around for anything.

Word of the day: professionalism

Easter

Photo by Charles I Letbetter

I hope everyone had a good holiday. My was typical: not celebrated. Next year James will at least be able to get a photo with the bunny and egg hunt. Whatever that will mean. It's just not a big deal in my family.

I didn't color any eggs, but I colored Josh's hair. I'm so in love with Wella color that I won't use anything else again. After his hair was done we went to IHOP for brunch. I forgot how much I dislike syrup now so my stomach got a little upset. It's too much sugar. I can't handle sugar anymore. The bacon was good, though. James spilled ice water in his lap and his look was comical; a face that expressed "um ... oops?" He didn't care. Haha!

After brunch we picked up formula for Josh's place and then I came home. Like usual I fell asleep. Mostly from exhaustion, partly from separation anxiety, and a little bit of depression. No joke, my life drains me mentally, emotionally, and physically. No wonder I have zero social life, there's nothing left in me to put out in the universe cause it's all spent.

When I woke up around 8p after a 5 hour nap, I woke up because I was having one of those crazy awesome dreams where you think to yourself (while dreaming) "should I wake up and write this down or keep dreaming and hope I don't forget anything?" I chose to wake up and write it down. In fact, I think I woke up while I was writing it. Six pages in my journal for that 5 second dream.

I just got done with a Jersylicious mini-marathon and now I'm going to go back to bed. Don't know what Monday has in store for me; if anything, then I hope it's inexpensive. I just need out of the house. Job searching tomorrow; hopefully I'll hear back about the second interview for StreetLinks.

Sometimes My Life Ain't So Great

The great majority of us are required to live a life of constant duplicity. Your health is bound to be affected if, day after day, you say the opposite of what you feel, if you grovel before what you dislike, and rejoice at what brings you nothing but misfortune.
~ Boris Pasternak

Journal writing is all I know these days. I have no one to talk to; everyone is off living life and being happy. I broke up with Josh for multiple little reasons that combined made me unhappy, but being single again I'm just miserable. I should have stayed in a relationship where I was way less miserable in the long run. Is that bad to settle like that? All I know is, everyone (women mostly) says that men are all lazy slobs who don't know how to do chores unless you tell them to and they won't be people who will want to talk about feelings or even about your day. I'm not ok with that and I don't understand why these women are making it ok for men to be uninterested, uncaring, and irresponsible with their relationships.

I don't undterstand, too, why the guys I seem to find say one thing, then shoot me down when I follow their suggestions/instructions. Example: "If you need help just ask me" - that's a hard thing for me to do, ask for help. But I do it because I think to myself that stepping out of my comfort zone for a person shows them that I mean it when I say I love them and want to meet them half way. So, what did I do with Josh? Asked him for help when I needed it. What did Josh do? Told me no. He didn't want to get in the middle of it, he "didn't know" what to do or say, he didn't have time, he'd do it later (which meant he wasn't going to do it).

I am tired of putting myself out there, I am tired of trusting that people will be there for me.

So now I'm single and friendless. Tons of people who call me friend, yet when I ask if they want to hang out now that I have kid-free days, I get ignored, told no, or they get to me after the days are done and say "Sorry I didn't reply sooner, that would have been fun, but I'm just so busy right now."

So, I'm really tempted to end all communication and so-called friendships because it's obvious people only want to "hang out" with me via FB comments.

Not Gonna Lie, Today Was Awesome

The day flew by today!
Woke up at 7:30a when James started crying "Mama!", but didn't get out of the bed until 7:45a. Fed him, changed him. By then it was around 8:30a. Watched the weather report, decided against going to the zoo. Wrestled the babe until he was dressed, got myself dressed, and headed for Walmart at 9:30a. Left Walmart at 10:30a and stopped for Taco Bell. Laid James down at 10:50a. Watched Ellen from 11a-12p. Cleaned, ate lunch, and computer surfed until 1:45p when James woke up. Fed him lunch with juice, changed him, turned on a movie that he didn't watch but it was good background noise, and kept cleaning until 4p when Mom got home. Ate dinner, bathed James, fed him dinner and a bottle. He laid down at 6p and woke up at 6:45p. Not thrilled he decided he was just going to nap ... also not thrilled I let him go to sleep earlier than 7:30p. Lesson learned. Back hurts from giving him a bath.
The weather was crappy today; cold and eventually rainy. Photo above is from our Easter shoot yesterday (the only nice day this week and for the next couple of weeks). I'm freezing. I think I'll put an extra blanket on the bed. Time to shower and get into some pj's. I think Mom's going to have to take the night shift. I have to work tomorrow. But at least tomorrow also means Purple Hat Project shoot!!!

Goodnight.

Oh, To Be a Child In a Closet Once Again

 the following is a note I wrote to my mom after I apparently ruined something of Chris':

Dear Mom,
I'm so ashamed of what I did to Chris's radio so I am going to stay in my cloest until it is time for us to go back to school. Don't worry about me you can visit if you want and bring my food to me. I will have a little part open when you bring the food. There will also be a note paper, a food paper (of what I want), and what clothing I need paper. Probably the only time will come out is on Christmas dad so that I can open my presents. I will also sleep in the closet.
Love,
Sarah
P.S. If there is anything else that I need I will put it on a piece of paper.
Love,
Sarah

Can anyone else not stop laughing about this or is it just me? This makes me sorta of excited to see what James comes up with when he gets in trouble. I was so full of regret, but at least I was thinking about the important things: school and Christmas.



This reminds me of the time my brother and I got ourself trapped in a trundle bed.

Holliday Park Photos

Today was the first nice day in awhile and that makes me so happy! James and I have had a photo shoot with Charles Letbetter planned since March and I was going to be just a little bit pissed if the weather was cold, rainy, and/or tornado-y. Thankfully, for Mother Nature, today was gorgeous!!

I packed up the bunny ears, a pirate shirt from Uncle Chris, a pirate shirt for me, and got us all dressed up. Holliday Park is amazing and there were so many kids there. Definitely someplace James and I will be frequenting through his life :)

Photos should be ready in a couple of days - until then I wait with bated breath! They're always awesome and we got to play the whole time so you know they'll be fun to look at. James is a natural in front of the camera!!

I Hope Ellen Picks Me

Ellen Degeners is giving away a Hawaiian vacation for 4 - so you know I entered into that! I don't usually enter contests, but after ten years of minimum wage jobs because no one will give me a chance and only one potential job on the horizon (two more interviews, don't know when they're happening) that if (big if) I get it will make life a little easier financially, I need a vacation! Life just gets harder and harder the older you get, and I'm just about to my breaking point. Something has to give, whether it's negative or positive, something is going to happen. I'm too afraid to hope for positive because it doesn't tend to happen, so I just sorta go through the motions I'm suppose to and wait to see what happens.

Come on Ellen!!!!

Let Me Take One Tiny Second to Discuss Religion and Politics

Stop talking about them to me!

Those are the two subjects I will never discuss with people. I don't want to argue over such two crazy topics. They're neither petty nor important and they cause nothing but anger, heartache, and hatred between opposing views. Life is too short to start wars over these two things and the world would be better off just letting everyone happily believe (or disbelieve) whatever they like.

If you are not harming others and innocent life (ie: torturing animals, killing people) then who cares?! Stop Caring What I Do or Do Not Believe!!!






Oh, and I aced the interview. Phone interview later this week with a possible 3rd (and last) interview beginning of next week. Two more and then I'll have a stable job with great pay.

I Hate When He's At His Dad's

But I love all of the sleep I get when he's gone. Today I have a 1:00 interview. If I "pass it" I get a second one, if I "pass that" I get a third one. And if I "pass that" I get a job that pays me $12/hour. So, here's hoping I find a "real job" so I can propoerly provide for James and stop depending on my mom and Josh. That'll help with my mental happiness which will probably help with my overall happiness ... despite the weird schedule and lack of seeing James and having to find child care on Wedneday and Thursday nights and all of the driving I'll have to do in the mornings to get James to his dad's and then go to work. I'm really not looking forward to it much, but it'll mean I could afford to take a vacation next summer and James will be old enough to enjoy that since he'll be almost *gulp* 2 years old.

I'm going to try desperately to sleep since I didn't get any of that last night and hope Josh writes me back since he's too uncomfortable to just talk about things. I don't understand how a person cannt be willing to step out of their comfort zone and go out on a limb for people they know/care about. Unless it just comes down to it that he doesn't care about me. We shall see.

And Then There Are Days Like Today

I cannot stress enough how much I love IN in the spring! Today was a good day!!! Josh and I revised the visitation schedule, and it makes more sense now. So I get James all weekend :) Today we went to Toys R Us Express at the Metropolis Mall in Plainfield and bought him a wading pool and a smaller, more compact stroller. The bigger one will be great for zoo trips, water park trips, etc. This one (a whopping $20 - *squee*) is great for just everyday bullshit. After we spent some of his YaYa's money, she took us to lunch at Chili's, then on a drive to look at all of the houses up for sale in Old Plainfield (dream), and then to Dairy Queen. Before we left James took an hour nap, during the drive through Plainfield he took another hour nap, and when we got home I was ready for a nap. I took a 4 hour nap ... YIKES! It was nice. Woke up to a screaming baby who wanted his Mami to give him a bottle so he could fall asleep and now I'm plotting *haha* In other words, planning his first birthday.

Usually Behind the Scenes, But...

In winter 2009 I did makeup for a comedy (The Big Idea ... you should buy it, hilarious). Other than that I've been staying busy with photo shoots. Today I perform a rare cross over: in front of the camera.

Tomorrow evening I'll be filming the speaking part of a scene where I play a MILF (wow...such a stretch for me *wink wink*) who gets murdered during sex. So, I have a month before the murder scene which means one month to get in shape before slipping into "sexy lingerie" among the obvious sex part of the scene. Thankfully, not real sex. How does one "fake it?" Anyone? Anyone at all? I also need to practice believable dying ... how do I research "dying from a slit throat" without watching real video of people having their throats slit?

I get killed by a dude in clown makeup by the way so that'll bring out the best of my phobia I'm sure.

Oh boy ... bring on the TurboFire.

Easter Bunny Photo

I guess I should make James do that since we did the Santa Claus bit in December...


Why don't they have photos with a Leprachaun anywhere? Or a big giant heart, a firework or Uncle Sam? There are a lot of depraved holidays out there.

I'm About to Say Something You Won't Like

I'm not that great at being a mom. I lose my patience often and it was never something I wanted to be anyway. That being said, I do love my James. I'm just not crazy in love with motherhood. I'm not going to be the mom who sews up Halloween costumes or costumes for plays. If something gets ripped, I'll just buy something to replace it because I can't sew. He'll be in sports and the arts, I'll even teach him how to dance so he's not awkward at prom, but please don't think this is all first nature to me. I'm making it up as I go. I cuss, prefer tattoos to jewelry, I don't go out of my way to look fabulous most days (only if I have to, really), and after an hour I'm so tired of trying to entertain an 8 month old, I tend to just sit. If any of this seems wrong to you, stop following my blog now because I'm sure on my bad days (we all have them so stop pretending you don't) you're going to hate my posts where I vent.

Arm Farts

April 7, 2011

Claire and James, Sitting in a Tree...

Had our first real playdate today with Claire (and Bailey). James and Claire are only a month apart (she's older). It was cute.

Wolf Park 2007

I wish I had another membership - I want to play with wolves again!

First Day Home

August 11, 2010

My Femi

(when she was a few months old)

Something to Snark About: You Need to Know Lindi Ortega

Something to Snark About: You Need to Know Lindi Ortega: "I first heard Lindi Ortega via Myspace (yeah, I just dated myself a little) on a Monday in January 2006 ... two days later I was seated..."

My Grace

My James Sparrow, 8 months old

Intro

As of April 11, 2011

I am 28 years and 2 days old
I have an 8 month old, James Sparrow
I am a single mother
I am proud but modest, funny but terrible at jokes, respectful but blunt, lost and found, determined yet scared, I second guess everything I do but keep on going anyway. I regret but I stay busy to forget about it.

I have no idea what the hell I'm doing, but I have pretty good instincts.


I'm searching and always learning. I make mistakes and I'm happy about them.